We can never get too serious. We always need to laugh — especially at ourselves. I do not take credit for these jokes as I have collected them over the years from various sources. Each month we will have the top five jokes and encourage anyone to please submit their favorite actuary, accountant or lawyer joke and we will post them over time. The only rule we have is that the joke needs to be fairly clean if you want it posted.
To submit an Actuary joke E-mail: tgodbold@gmcactuary.com

1.

Some insurance company officers are taking a walk in the woods. Following a path, they come upon a dead bird. The actuary bends down, examines the bird carefully, and says: "I think we may be able to determine how this bird died." The agent says: "It makes no difference how it died — it wasn't MY fault." The accountant says: "Not another dead bird! How are we going to bury THIS one?" The auditor carefully notes exactly what kind of dead bird it is, and looks around for more. The claims manager says, "Oh, this kind of dead bird is never going to happen again." And the product manager says: "This bird isn't dead! I swear, it's going to start flying around any minute now!"

2.

A marketing person was trying to convince the insurance agent that a glass half full of water could be easily sold to the companies' clientele. An actuary was standing nearby watching the exchange.

Marketer: This is our newest product. A glass half full of water. It is clear, refreshing and satisfying. This is the best water on the market. Anyone could sell this.

Agent: It is half empty, how do you expect me to sell that? No one should be expected to sell a half empty glass.

Actuary: Personally, I think you gave him way too much glass.

3.

You can take all the actuaries in the world and put them end to end, and they still won't reach agreement.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

5.

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.